More to Give
Writing has always been cathartic for me, yet it always took a low priority in my life. I love writing when I get a chance, but rarely do I have the time to fully develop it into something. This changed last night. Something happened yesterday that led me to staying up all night to finish setting up this website, so I would have an avenue to share my writings and thoughts. These events made me be thankful that I am able to write about them and made me realize that life has so much to give and we, individually have so much to share. That is why this is my first writing. It is a description of what propelled me to officially "release" my writing into this world with the hopes that this information and insight helps at least one other person.
Ever since high school, I have been diagnosed as being moderately anemic. During each pregnancy, the moderate anemia would become severe, but always normalized once the pregnancy and breast-feeding completed. Five years ago, this same anemia caused me to develop a heart condition, which I have worked hard to control (and conceal). Four years ago, my iron levels dropped so low that I was told I needed an iron infusion. The infusion was simple and I was done in 3 hours, start to finish, with no complications. That is why, earlier this year when I was told my levels were severely low again and I needed another infusion, I didn't give it another thought beyond figuring out the best day to fit it into my schedule. The only difference I was made aware of this time was the infusion would last 6 hours, start to finish. It was a routine infusion with nothing to worry about.
My infusion was yesterday, March 7th, 2016.
My husband always teases me that my intuition is really fine tuned - to the point that he has learned not to ignore it when I say something is not right. This past weekend was very hectic, so all my concentration had been on getting through the weekend. When Sunday night rolled around and I finally focused on my infusion appointment. I began packing my bag with snacks and books, but I was very uneasy, almost to the point of being scared. My uneasiness culminated so much, that by bedtime, I actually asked my husband to come with me and get me settled in, after which he could go to work. (Now before anyone judges him - I was the one who originally told him not to come, though he insisted. Softball season was starting up with the first practice being Monday evening. There was no way I would have been able to make it, so my husband had to take my daughter). As for asking him to come with me after telling him I would be okay, this was very hard for me to do. Anyone who knows me, knows that me asking for anything that shows I can't handle it on my own is a very big deal, even if it is me asking my husband. God bless him though, he took it in stride and was right there with me in the morning.
When we got to the hospital, the nurse told us that the scheduled 6 hours was broken into setting up an IV, giving a test shot, waiting an hour for any possible reaction, and then, if all was well, starting a 4-hour infusion. I was given the test shot on time, and all went fine during the test hour, so they started the long infusion. I was a little sleep deprived from the weekend and after lunch took a nap. I woke up from the nap with a very sore throat. I didn't think anything of it, because I had a lingering morning sore throat from an infection 3 weeks ago, so I figured because I just woke up, it was the same soreness. However, the soreness went from bad to worse. So much so that I couldn't swallow water without my throat burning. I texted my husband telling him what was happening and pondered over the text whether I should say something. He, of course, told me to tell the nurse right away. So me, the person who is always scared of looking like the over paranoid patient, apologetically said something to the nurse. By this time, I could barely talk without being in extreme pain.
The next two hours are ones that are burned in my mind. The nurse immediately called 2-3 other nurses. Blood pressure, temp, oxygen all got tested and showed normal results. I kept saying to them that its probably just the lingering sore throat and apologizing for overreacting. They were all sweet and wonderful saying that while this is rare, they have seen reactions occur even when the test dose was clear. The main nurse made the decision to stop the iron and let the saline solution keep running. Amazingly, five seconds after she did, the pain in the big lump in the right side of my throat and ear started subsiding. I looked at the nurse and was almost in awe - it HAD been the iron!! 3 hours 45 minutes into a 4 hour infusion I had an unexpected reaction to the infusion. The nurse said she was going to push some steroid into the IV to help with the reaction, however when she held my arm to push the syringe in, I cringed in pain. We rolled up my sleeve and found the length of my vein swollen. The lightest touch felt like someone was poking at a big bruise. Despite having a very high pain tolerance, especially when it comes to pain inflicted by IVs, when the nurse tried to push in the steroid I screamed out in pain. Bless the nurse because she didn't push it. She pulled out the IV, put a hot compress on it, ran a new IV on my other arm, and pushed in the steroid. 15 minutes later I felt normal and I was told I could go home.
As I walked to my car, I started feeling the back of my throat closing. I got to the car and it started getting worse. I had at least a 30 min drive without traffic but it was 4:00 pm so rush hour was a given. After speaking with my husband, I walked back into the hospital and went back to the infusion center. They took one look at me and sat me down. According to them my breathing was too labored and I was too pale. Again, all my vitals were taken and were fine. At this point, I was almost in tears and praying, because Dammit, I came in for a damn iron infusion, how am I sitting here listening to them saying they should get me to the ER.
The nurses called in my hematologist, who after coming in and calming me down, gave me two options:
1) I could go to the ER and wait in the waiting room for them to take me back to load me up with more steroids or
2) take a prescription, go to the hospital pharmacy, get a Medrol pack, wait 30 minutes and then leave.
She explained to me that, since the iron was already in my system, they couldn't do anything except control the reaction which could keep occurring up to 6-10 hours after they stopped the infusion. The only way to control the reaction was steroids. The IV steroid only works for 10 minutes which is why the reaction had come back. The prescription would give me the dosage I needed over the course of the next few days to let the system work itself out. They told me I need to stay calm, otherwise stress and anxiety will make it worse. Needless to say, I picked #2 and made a beeline to the pharmacy. I got the meds, waited 30 minutes, felt better, and drove home.
In the 5 hours after coming home, I forced myself to stay calm. I came home to my family and acted as normal as I could. I had dinner with my kids, helped them with their homework, coached my daughters book competion club and acted like everything was normal. During this time the reaction semi-closed my throat, two times, but I kept going. I had to keep going, otherwise I was scared I would breakdown. After the kids went to bed, I said my prayers and then started writing. As always, it helped calm me down in a way I wouldn't have otherwise. Once I was done writing, I realized I needed to finish my site so I could share what I wrote. I ended up staying up all night for once not because of work, but to pursue my dream. I had another two "episodes' during the night, but was happy that I was awake for them and aware enough to work through them. At the end, this morning I had my site completed and thanks to God, was feeling much better.
So why am I writing all of this and why am i sharing it?
Because I need to get my thoughts out there.
Because, I left yesterday morning to go in for a normal medical procedure and things went very different. I was blessed, because God was watching over me and made something that could have been so much more serious, not.
Because I want people I know and care about to take the time to stop and listen to their bodies, hold their children closer, and be grateful for all they have, because all it takes is a blink of an eye.
Becuase, even though it is cliche, I want to say to everyone to love each breath you are given and use it in the best possible way that you can.
Yesterday, I experienced how difficult taking those breaths can become and it's not something I want to ever experience again, and God-willing, I won't ever have to. Death is inevitable and I am not afraid to die, BUT I am afraid to leave this world knowing there was so much more I could have done, but chose not to. It was this realization of all the times I have stayed quiet and not shared my thoughts that got to me last night.
What if something I said or did could have made a difference? What if by sharing an experience I could have helped someone? What if by writing I brought a smile to someone's face? What if by explaining something I helped illuminate the way someone viewed this world? As I began thinking, there were too many "what if's" tied back to all of the writing that I started but never finished or thought about and never put down.
That is why this is my first writing. It is my pledge to myself to make a difference, and I hope that somewhere, to someone, my experience and advice resonates.
As I end this, I would like everyone to remember the following:
1) No matter how strong you are, let your intuition and body guide you regarding your health and take care of yourself. 2) Strength does not equal hiding from the world that you are feeling weak. It's the converse...admit your weaknesses, so God and those who love you can stand behind you and turn your weaknesses into your strengths. 3) Enjoy this gift of life that God has blessed us with. It is fleeting so make the most of it.
4) Each and every one of us has something to give. Don't hold back. Seize the moment and contribute! Once you do, you will see you have so much more to give.
Praying for good health for everyone who reads this. May we all always be protected by God and if challenges do come our way, may He guide us to navigate them in the best possible way. Ameen.
