The Elderly

Grandmother. The word itself invokes warmth, support, hugs and love.

Yesterday, my husband's grandmother, who was the last of my maternal grandfather's siblings, passed away. My memories of her are not recent, but of a time long ago when she and her sister used to come visit my grandparent's house. Two sisters coming to their brother's house. It was always a big deal at my grandparents because they traveled a great distance to come and my grandmother would always have the house running around from the day before to make sure all was perfect because "the sisters were coming."

My entire youth, I only knew them as Phupho Suraiya and Phupho Akhtar, because as a kid from the US, I only knew their relationship through my mom. As a very little child, I once remember waiting anxiously at the gates of my grandparent's house peeking out to see them come up the street. As a young child, I got a pat on the head, a hug, some words, and I could run along. As a teenager, I was scrutinized for how I looked, behaved, and oh how tall and skinny I was and then I was allowed to escape the room. As an adult, I only got to see them when I went back to Pakistan right before my wedding. And that is the most vivid memory I have of Talha's grandmother to this day.

That memory would have been 18 years old this summer. It was the day I went to see her, not only Talha's wife, but also as the grown-up, overseas daughter of her niece, Shahida. The amount of pressure I was under to ensure that meeting went off well was huge. Calls from my mom from the US. Calls from Talha excited I was meeting his grandparents. Thank God for my wonderful Khala (aunt) who saw me through it all.

On that day, after we walked in, I saw her, a small-statured, diminutive lady with sharp eyes looking me up and down She was immediately overshadowed by her husband who pulled me down to sit with him, and kept exclaiming "Eh tay chothi Shahida hai" (This is a younger version of Shahida). On that day, their names changed to Dada Abbu and Dadi Ammi (paternal grandfather and grandmother) for me. Before I left their house though, she did pull me aside and grill me. 😄 While Dada Abbu couldn't stop showering love and telling me stories of my parents, Dadi Ammi was all about questions: how well my parents were doing? how educated was I? How well did I know my religion? did I pray? did I read the Quran? would I keep her grandson happy? would I respect her son? etc. At first the line of questioning seemed odd, but after a while she ended with a "Shahida and Ahmad did a great job raising you". It was years later that I realized, what I thought was a grilling, was her trying to understand who she saw in front of her compared to the many half-truths and lies about an overseas Pakistani Muslim female. In her own way, she needed to know how compatible I was with Talha, who was/is the family's first pota (male grandson/hier) and for the rest of his family. I must have passed, because after all that, Dadi Ammi put a hand on my head and gave me a long litany of duas and blessings, which carry with me to this day.

It was my greatest wish that my children meet her in person, and feel the strength of that hand on their heads and understand the blessings it carries, but it was not meant to be. Over the years, we have been blessed that, through technology and my father-in-law, we have facetimed her and chatted with her. I can't recall a single time when she wasn't smiling or reciting durood or doing zikr. Even with being in late stages of dementia, she never stopped durood and zikr. On every call, she had a comment for each of the kids, and had them recite little prayers after her. Those calls had become something everyone lookes forward to and now they will be no more.

Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajioun. Verily we belong to God, and verily to Him do we return. Today, we wake up with an entire generation of our elders gone. It's a sobering thought to know that an entire generations' prayers are no longer supporting us on a daily basis. It also turns our attention to our parents who are now the elders. Looking at them, a deep realization and fear is settling in. Will we be able to live up to all that they did for their parents? How they loved them, how they served them, how they nursed them, and how much they pray for them? Did they feel this trepidation when faced with the inevitability of age? As my generation begins the transition to our turn, I also think about what we are teaching our kids. Will they know what it means to serve? Our elderly are God's gift to us to cherish and respect, but we so often lose site of that. It is so easy to get irritated because we are used to looking up at our parents that our mind doesn't comprehend that they now need us, exactly how we needed them when we were younger. I so often see people snapping at their parents because they don't have the patience with their whimsy, their questions, or just plain them. What if we turned the same patience we have with our toddlers into patience with our parents? Imagine the blessings we will unfold. It is definitely not easy, as I see both my husband and I facing it, but it can be done through love and patience.

So today, I reflect on what I do and also what I teach my kids. Serving the elderly is something we all should do, with love and kndness. Now it will be a focus of mine to ensure my kids know what it means to serve the next set of elders so we may have their blessings in this life and the hereafter. May Allah SWT give us all tawfeeq and sabr to take care of our elders in the same beautiful and patient way they took care of their elders. Ameen

اللهُـمِّ اغْفِـرْ لِحَيِّـنا وَمَيِّتِـنا وَشـاهِدِنا ، وَغائِبِـنا ، وَصَغيـرِنا وَكَبيـرِنا ، وَذَكَـرِنا وَأُنْثـانا. اللهُـمِّ مَنْ أَحْيَيْـتَهُ مِنّا فَأَحْيِـهِ عَلى الإِسْلام ،وَمَنْ تَوَفَّـيْتَهُ مِنّا فَتَوَفَّـهُ عَلى الإِيـمان ، اللهُـمِّ لا تَحْـرِمْنـا أَجْـرَه ، وَلا تُضِـلَّنا بَعْـدَه

Allaahum-maghfir lihayyinaa, wa mayyitinaa, wa shaahidinaa, wa ghaa’ibinaa, wa sagheerinaa wa kabeerinaa, wa thakarinaa wa ‘unthaanaa.

Allaahumma man ‘ahyaytahu minnaa fa’ahyihi ‘alal-‘Islaami, wa man tawaffaytahu minnaa fatawaffahu ‘alal-‘eemaan

O Allah forgive our living and our dead, those who are with us and those who are absent, our young and our old, our menfolk and our womenfolk.

O Allah, whomever you give life from among us give him life in Islam, and whomever you take way from us take him away in Faith.

O Allah, do not forbid us their reward and do not send us astray after them.

اللهُـمِّ اغْفِـرْ لَهُ وَارْحَمْـه ، وَعافِهِ وَاعْفُ عَنْـه ، وَأَكْـرِمْ نُزُلَـه ، وَوَسِّـعْ مُدْخَـلَه ، وَاغْسِلْـهُ بِالْمـاءِ وَالثَّـلْجِ وَالْبَـرَدْ ، وَنَقِّـهِ مِنَ الْخطـايا كَما نَـقّيْتَ الـثَّوْبُ الأَبْيَـضُ مِنَ الدَّنَـسْ ، وَأَبْـدِلْهُ داراً خَـيْراً مِنْ دارِه ، وَأَهْلاً خَـيْراً مِنْ أَهْلِـه ، وَزَوْجَـاً خَـيْراً مِنْ زَوْجِه، وَأَدْخِـلْهُ الْجَـنَّة ، وَأَعِـذْهُ مِنْ عَذابِ القَـبْر وَعَذابِ النّـار

Allaahum-maghfir lahu warhamhu, wa ‘aafihi, wa’fu ‘anhu, wa ‘akrim nuzulahu, wa wassi’ mudkhalahu, waghsilhu bilmaa’i waththalji walbaradi, wa naqqihi minal-khataayaa kamaa naqqaytath-thawbal-‘abyadha minad-danasi, wa ‘abdilhu daaran khayran min daarihi, wa ‘ahlan khayran min ‘ahlihi, wa zawjan khayran min zawjihi, wa ‘adkhilhul-jannata, wa. ‘a’ithhu min ‘athaabil-qabri[wa ‘athaabin-naar]

O Allah, forgive them and have mercy on them and give them strength and pardon them. Be generous to them and cause their entrance to be wide and wash them with water and snow and hail. Cleanse them of their transgressions as white cloth is cleansed of stains. Give them an abode better than their home, and a family better than their family and a spouse better than their spouse. Take them into Paradise and protect them from the punishment of the grave [and from the punishment of Hell-fire].

Ameen Summa Ameen, ya Rabbul Alameen.